Feb. 2012

who

A-mei’s ‘monologue’ sounds pretty nice. Such a good song.
Suddenly, two words came into my mind: somebody and nobody.

I think everyone initially wants to be somebody, imagining their wonderful future with full of success and satisfaction. It looks so beautiful before facing the truth. But the truth always is that only the minority are ‘somebody’, as it is generally defined. And to be somebody is still a big wish held by such a big group.
What if success brings the feeling of nobody, while the effort and outcome are still processing? How is that felt like?
What I mean is, lots of people spend all their lives pursuing being somebody and never get satisfied. How many people realize that they are actually nobody even they gained much more than most of others? And, lots of people adjust their own process of life upon others’ opinion or criteria of success and many of them slow down when being widely considered as outstanding. How many are still so eager to meet the further improved self and never slow down their steps, no matter how successful they have been considered?
It relates to the switch of feelings regarding to self-definition. From nobody to somebody might be a challenge. However, from somebody back to nobody brings even larger barrier. How many of us can accept it as a bigger award?
It may be hard to define. However, when it comes, you will know.

The sunshine in the winter is always especially beautiful.

Dec.

I thought yesterday was Jan. 1,2011. And now it is already December of 2011.
It was said the end of every year was always the hardest time of the whole year. If it comes anyway, we still need to fight to win. There is no excuse, since there is no time to regret during the holiday.
The colder the winter turns to be, the warmer the holiday will be. And the family reunion will be even warmer.

And, it turns to be clear that music is everything. That’s probably exact what I want to say today.

Step one

Autumn is still so beautiful. After the hot summer, it can always be my favorite again, even though the weather is colder and colder.
Maybe I should say that the cold weather makes warmness precious, and thus all these colors, red,orange and yellow, look especially pretty and happy.
Happiness is said to be the hardest thing to obtain nowadays. However, once it is not affected by others, it then becomes the richest belonging. From then on, it won’t be stolen until the death.

Step one.
That’s the title of this week’s episode of ‘private practice’. And that’s what I thought about yesterday.
After the delay of over two months, I eventually launched the preparation of the proposal for comprehensive exam. Similarly, the preparation of my plan of study also delayed for about two to three months last semester. It appears like step one is always the hardest to take. There are always lots of concerns at the beginning, which brings tiredness and reduces the passion to actually start. But most of the time, the actual process turns out to be less difficult. Even though to force myself to take the first step is a little more painful, there won’t be any other steps without the first one. If it has to be done anyway, it’s always better to start earlier.
Addison’s words in the end of the episode reminds me of Rene’s words. To believe what you want to believe, because only that increases the possibility of the hope to become true. To believe, and then it can turn to be the real.
There are always hard times, always. But even still fighting alone, I know that’s the only way. Once these are done, I will grow up and the future become less difficult. Sometimes it feels interesting to predict the result and the truth when others are still struggling in the between and wondering about the consequences.Or I should say it sounds a little bit cold or cruel. But,to continue or to give up brings what the results look like, and I am the only person to take the full responsibility.

P.S. ‘In time with you’ is nice. It’s a warm story from ordinary lives. It feels like someone talking to you peacefully, with a gentle voice.It reminds me of Annie’s words. Even though the latter mostly sound too clear-headed, they still feel intimate. Because they are all the reality.

Truth

The sunshine this morning looks fresh and pretty, which makes people feel much better. There is no disturbance and no such selfishness that is decorated and announced as generosity and greatness. It is possible that it is due to the comparison with the quiet and empty night. Only after experiencing the emptiness of the night can we feel the fresh light and air of the following morning but not take it for granted and be reminded of the past ugliness.
So the truth is that the definition of fairness depends on who is the ruler and definer and who are within the clique. I used to believe that it varies from countries to countries, from culture to culture and from person to person and here is somewhat more dependent on the right and wrong, or on the devotion. But actually it exists in any human societies. As far as the belief of academia is lost, there is really no need for further clarification or criticism of commercial world.And once it is recognized, silence would be the best reply. That’s just the undeniable truth.
From then, I start thinking about all those voices criticizing those successful people and how the bad performance, which hadn’t appeared before their achievement, finally comes to be judged. Instead of personal preference or what is called being selfish/self-centered/cold-blooded, I think it is just required by the world to be successful and keep standing on the top. As there is far less time for self defense and judging other in order to succeed, they easily turn to be the targets for all others, who have much more time but less successful.
I am wondering how much more tolerant I will be able to be while facing more and more truth. This could be a good process for self training. I think I will do better.

Scar

The scar starts hurting while it is also in recovery.It is felt that its recovery continues absorbing energy from everywhere and even a full sleep cannot satisfy it.For the first time, I can tell the exact process of the recovery from the wound.
It is said that the experience in childhood actually determines the characteristics and the future of a person.As most of others, I used to doubt about this and believe that my future effort can definitely change it and the unknown experience in the future will also contribute to the person I will be. But gradually, I start believing that it is the truth. Because when looking back to the memory of my childhood, I suddenly can explain those recent feelings and reactions that cannot be explained based on the situations themselves. I think I should admit that all effort I am making is just helping me to appear better, give the world better impression and be less honest to myself.
In addition, prejudice is everywhere. It was already rooted there while everyone was growing up and it will never be removed. In the physical world, effort and actual achievement make sense. But subjectively, no one really accepts any changes made by others in their own lives. It is just found that no matter how much effort you made and how much responsibility you have taken, it doesn’t change anything. Years later, the same prejudice is found again in the same situation. By the moment it is met, you know you are just too naive. Not innocent, but just naive.No fight is needed, because it has been proved not working.But you can tell.
As time goes by, I clearly see myself keeping growing up, being stronger and start shining as I wish to be. I still remember Dr. Buch said she always fights to be the best. It feels good, I can tell. But meanwhile, outstanding performance and ability is also an excuse to be blamed, depressed and isolated to some extent. Is this just what fairness is called? Maybe it is. Because prejudice, lies, superficial and full of hierarchy fit those weakness, welcome of girlish, selfish or unaware of responsibility, and laziness perfectly. There is no future for further growing up and self-stimulation.
It is said that to keep living as you wish. otherwise eventually all the thoughts, dreams and wishes will turn to fit what living looks like. Since no one else is responsible for your own life, neither any of your mistakes resulting the life you don’t want, there is no excuse to pay for the pain. So, even my strength will continuously be the reason of being blamed and gaining unfairness, I still like to fight for my life, to be as excellent as possible. Keeping learning and improving is always enjoyable. As far as I reach the next height, I know all the other doesn’t matter anymore. But eventually, all I get will be my treasure that won’t get lost. And as soon as I am spiritually rich enough, I then have the ability to love, to give and to forgive. And only in that situation will I know that my growth and enrichment won’t be hindered or stolen by anyone else.
The weather in KC is pretty good these days. And the quietness is fabulous. I think I just need time to digest all these and admit the instant powerless. But finally I will be back to who I should be, I know that. If I was born to be strong and fight alone for my future, I have already been familiar with it. How many those fabricated accusation would be, more or less, doesn’t matter.
Scar will be there anyway. Even the pain eventually goes, it will remind me of all these. That’s the truth. And I am still on my way.

P.S.,I was actually shocked by Job’s death. No matter how many people actually hate him and no matter how much the Apple corporation gained, I believe he is still genius. And eventually, the inspiration always comes from spiritual world but not the physical world. And the way of thinking defines how much the achievement can be. It fits all the successful people in every field. That’s where I can learn and stimulated, definitely.

Yellowstone

Yellowstone is impressive. If all the beauty showed in Maui, as well as all the grand views in big island of Hawaii, are from dream, then the impression of yellowstone is still belonging to real life.
In yellowstone, different styles are mixed together, including the dark blue rivers, white terraces, green trees and yellow mountains. But the mixture doesn’t appear to be messy. It is so tolerant that every part shows individual characteristics while together they are still a whole story.
Some people believe they are fabulous and always right in real life. Some people believe their lifes are always prior and more precious than those of others. But generally, the material world is still full of ugly truth. But here, in yellowstone, it makes people to believe that the truth of life can be innocent and the existing beauty can be existing forever. It shows the look of life, which is always hopeful and always hopeless. But there is no fear, no lies and no stress for unrealistic gains. It presents what it was, what it is, and what it will be. It’s calm and steady. But eventually, all you will find is that it is better and better. It’s always better, and always belongs to the reality.
And when the grand teton peak is closer and closer, I did get shocked by its power. You know you are still tiny.
Travelling is always fruitful and nature is still full of surprise. To feel the truth of life and to keep growing is always important. It tells the truth of life in the world, and that is the exact root for everyone. And all those others, are too tiny to care about.Because as soon as life is there, everything else will eventually be obtained or learned. Sooner or later, you know it will happen.That’s all.