Final Me

who

Monica — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 19:01:06 +0000

A-mei’s ‘monologue’ sounds pretty nice. Such a good song.
Suddenly, two words came into my mind: somebody and nobody.

I think everyone initially wants to be somebody, imagining their wonderful future with full of success and satisfaction. It looks so beautiful before facing the truth. But the truth always is that only the minority are ‘somebody’, as it is generally defined. And to be somebody is still a big wish held by such a big group.
What if success brings the feeling of nobody, while the effort and outcome are still processing? How is that felt like?
What I mean is, lots of people spend all their lives pursuing being somebody and never get satisfied. How many people realize that they are actually nobody even they gained much more than most of others? And, lots of people adjust their own process of life upon others’ opinion or criteria of success and many of them slow down when being widely considered as outstanding. How many are still so eager to meet the further improved self and never slow down their steps, no matter how successful they have been considered?
It relates to the switch of feelings regarding to self-definition. From nobody to somebody might be a challenge. However, from somebody back to nobody brings even larger barrier. How many of us can accept it as a bigger award?
It may be hard to define. However, when it comes, you will know.

The sunshine in the winter is always especially beautiful.

Dec.

Monica — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 02:49:32 +0000

I thought yesterday was Jan. 1,2011. And now it is already December of 2011.
It was said the end of every year was always the hardest time of the whole year. If it comes anyway, we still need to fight to win. There is no excuse, since there is no time to regret during the holiday.
The colder the winter turns to be, the warmer the holiday will be. And the family reunion will be even warmer.

And, it turns to be clear that music is everything. That’s probably exact what I want to say today.

Step one

Monica — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 16:55:00 +0000

Autumn is still so beautiful. After the hot summer, it can always be my favorite again, even though the weather is colder and colder.
Maybe I should say that the cold weather makes warmness precious, and thus all these colors, red,orange and yellow, look especially pretty and happy.
Happiness is said to be the hardest thing to obtain nowadays. However, once it is not affected by others, it then becomes the richest belonging. From then on, it won’t be stolen until the death.

Step one.
That’s the title of this week’s episode of ‘private practice’. And that’s what I thought about yesterday.
After the delay of over two months, I eventually launched the preparation of the proposal for comprehensive exam. Similarly, the preparation of my plan of study also delayed for about two to three months last semester. It appears like step one is always the hardest to take. There are always lots of concerns at the beginning, which brings tiredness and reduces the passion to actually start. But most of the time, the actual process turns out to be less difficult. Even though to force myself to take the first step is a little more painful, there won’t be any other steps without the first one. If it has to be done anyway, it’s always better to start earlier.
Addison’s words in the end of the episode reminds me of Rene’s words. To believe what you want to believe, because only that increases the possibility of the hope to become true. To believe, and then it can turn to be the real.
There are always hard times, always. But even still fighting alone, I know that’s the only way. Once these are done, I will grow up and the future become less difficult. Sometimes it feels interesting to predict the result and the truth when others are still struggling in the between and wondering about the consequences.Or I should say it sounds a little bit cold or cruel. But,to continue or to give up brings what the results look like, and I am the only person to take the full responsibility.

P.S. ‘In time with you’ is nice. It’s a warm story from ordinary lives. It feels like someone talking to you peacefully, with a gentle voice.It reminds me of Annie’s words. Even though the latter mostly sound too clear-headed, they still feel intimate. Because they are all the reality.

Truth

Monica — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:31:13 +0000

The sunshine this morning looks fresh and pretty, which makes people feel much better. There is no disturbance and no such selfishness that is decorated and announced as generosity and greatness. It is possible that it is due to the comparison with the quiet and empty night. Only after experiencing the emptiness of the night can we feel the fresh light and air of the following morning but not take it for granted and be reminded of the past ugliness.
So the truth is that the definition of fairness depends on who is the ruler and definer and who are within the clique. I used to believe that it varies from countries to countries, from culture to culture and from person to person and here is somewhat more dependent on the right and wrong, or on the devotion. But actually it exists in any human societies. As far as the belief of academia is lost, there is really no need for further clarification or criticism of commercial world.And once it is recognized, silence would be the best reply. That’s just the undeniable truth.
From then, I start thinking about all those voices criticizing those successful people and how the bad performance, which hadn’t appeared before their achievement, finally comes to be judged. Instead of personal preference or what is called being selfish/self-centered/cold-blooded, I think it is just required by the world to be successful and keep standing on the top. As there is far less time for self defense and judging other in order to succeed, they easily turn to be the targets for all others, who have much more time but less successful.
I am wondering how much more tolerant I will be able to be while facing more and more truth. This could be a good process for self training. I think I will do better.

Scar

Monica — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 16:51:51 +0000

The scar starts hurting while it is also in recovery.It is felt that its recovery continues absorbing energy from everywhere and even a full sleep cannot satisfy it.For the first time, I can tell the exact process of the recovery from the wound.
It is said that the experience in childhood actually determines the characteristics and the future of a person.As most of others, I used to doubt about this and believe that my future effort can definitely change it and the unknown experience in the future will also contribute to the person I will be. But gradually, I start believing that it is the truth. Because when looking back to the memory of my childhood, I suddenly can explain those recent feelings and reactions that cannot be explained based on the situations themselves. I think I should admit that all effort I am making is just helping me to appear better, give the world better impression and be less honest to myself.
In addition, prejudice is everywhere. It was already rooted there while everyone was growing up and it will never be removed. In the physical world, effort and actual achievement make sense. But subjectively, no one really accepts any changes made by others in their own lives. It is just found that no matter how much effort you made and how much responsibility you have taken, it doesn’t change anything. Years later, the same prejudice is found again in the same situation. By the moment it is met, you know you are just too naive. Not innocent, but just naive.No fight is needed, because it has been proved not working.But you can tell.
As time goes by, I clearly see myself keeping growing up, being stronger and start shining as I wish to be. I still remember Dr. Buch said she always fights to be the best. It feels good, I can tell. But meanwhile, outstanding performance and ability is also an excuse to be blamed, depressed and isolated to some extent. Is this just what fairness is called? Maybe it is. Because prejudice, lies, superficial and full of hierarchy fit those weakness, welcome of girlish, selfish or unaware of responsibility, and laziness perfectly. There is no future for further growing up and self-stimulation.
It is said that to keep living as you wish. otherwise eventually all the thoughts, dreams and wishes will turn to fit what living looks like. Since no one else is responsible for your own life, neither any of your mistakes resulting the life you don’t want, there is no excuse to pay for the pain. So, even my strength will continuously be the reason of being blamed and gaining unfairness, I still like to fight for my life, to be as excellent as possible. Keeping learning and improving is always enjoyable. As far as I reach the next height, I know all the other doesn’t matter anymore. But eventually, all I get will be my treasure that won’t get lost. And as soon as I am spiritually rich enough, I then have the ability to love, to give and to forgive. And only in that situation will I know that my growth and enrichment won’t be hindered or stolen by anyone else.
The weather in KC is pretty good these days. And the quietness is fabulous. I think I just need time to digest all these and admit the instant powerless. But finally I will be back to who I should be, I know that. If I was born to be strong and fight alone for my future, I have already been familiar with it. How many those fabricated accusation would be, more or less, doesn’t matter.
Scar will be there anyway. Even the pain eventually goes, it will remind me of all these. That’s the truth. And I am still on my way.

P.S.,I was actually shocked by Job’s death. No matter how many people actually hate him and no matter how much the Apple corporation gained, I believe he is still genius. And eventually, the inspiration always comes from spiritual world but not the physical world. And the way of thinking defines how much the achievement can be. It fits all the successful people in every field. That’s where I can learn and stimulated, definitely.

Yellowstone

Monica — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 07:00:07 +0000

Yellowstone is impressive. If all the beauty showed in Maui, as well as all the grand views in big island of Hawaii, are from dream, then the impression of yellowstone is still belonging to real life.
In yellowstone, different styles are mixed together, including the dark blue rivers, white terraces, green trees and yellow mountains. But the mixture doesn’t appear to be messy. It is so tolerant that every part shows individual characteristics while together they are still a whole story.
Some people believe they are fabulous and always right in real life. Some people believe their lifes are always prior and more precious than those of others. But generally, the material world is still full of ugly truth. But here, in yellowstone, it makes people to believe that the truth of life can be innocent and the existing beauty can be existing forever. It shows the look of life, which is always hopeful and always hopeless. But there is no fear, no lies and no stress for unrealistic gains. It presents what it was, what it is, and what it will be. It’s calm and steady. But eventually, all you will find is that it is better and better. It’s always better, and always belongs to the reality.
And when the grand teton peak is closer and closer, I did get shocked by its power. You know you are still tiny.
Travelling is always fruitful and nature is still full of surprise. To feel the truth of life and to keep growing is always important. It tells the truth of life in the world, and that is the exact root for everyone. And all those others, are too tiny to care about.Because as soon as life is there, everything else will eventually be obtained or learned. Sooner or later, you know it will happen.That’s all.

Two weeks

Monica — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 23:53:06 +0000

Officially, there remains only two weeks before my final seminar, which feels like an alarm hanging above my head. For the first time, I feel like this.
Life turns to be busier and busier, in order to get as much data as possible. But interestingly, busy life brings more energy into work.It is said that most successful people like forcing themselves to face difficulties and fight to solve them, even though the process is painful.In other words, they enjoy the pain. I think that because after solving the problem, we find ourselves growing up and discover more attractive aspects of life.
It is said that 90% of the whole life time is just ordinary, neither pathetic nor amazing. However, I start enjoying tracking my internal growth. As there are always new thoughts coming into my mind every day, I know how I am growing up and how my views of the world are changing. It is not necessary to fight for having ‘amazing’ life. As far as I keep growing up, I know, to myself, I am becoming amazing. That’s enough.
I guess the little hurry inside of me may be because that it is my final seminar. When the end is closer and closer, we always want to be as better as possible so there will be less regret. It doesn’t matter that how other people think about it. It’s about how much I am improved and how satisfied I will be about it.
I think my point today is just that the busy life is really kind of cheering me up and making me more interested in further fighting and discovering more. It’s really nice.
Anyway, to do all we can is already the success, no matter what the results will be. I always tell this to people in my life. For myself, to some extent, I may also be able to say so.
Not horrible, not amazing, just ok. That’s my life. And that’s ok.

Rise of the planet of the apes: Where are we?

Monica — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 20:27:56 +0000

I would say Rise of the planet of the apes is my favorite movie of this summer. It doesn’t matter with the fabulous technology to create the apes. I didn’t consider it as a funny movie, either. Whether it will be true that apes or other animals will eventually be as smart as human beings is not the main topic we need to discuss regarding to the movie, and there do be a lot of myths to be well explained in the world. The first and only question raised in my mind by this movie is just a simple one: where are we?

I think I am now learning more and more about medicine and medical research. Medicine, including doctors, medical schools, hospitals and even the whole pharmaceutical industry, is definitely associated with business. People fight for being doctors to be rich and thought to be somewhat prior to others. The whole medical system fights for more money to afford fancy techniques and every practitioner involved. And the researching institutes fight for more grants to be famous and autonomous. Somehow, organs are more important than patients, while tissues or cells are more important than experimental animals. Commercial benefits are everything.

I won’t say it is wrong, because everyone needs to earn the life. But it shouldn’t be the only goal the whole system runs for. On our way to success and richness, instantly we need to stop for a while to look back and weigh the initial purpose for the next step.

So, where are we? Are we still the unquestionable emperor of the whole world? Are we really smarter than ancient people? Are we always sure that all that we did are right under any circumstances?

Not really.

So, it is a good movie to remind us of looking back and examining ourselves objectively. Beside commercial benefits, nature and human history are still teaching us more about ourselves. Being the strongest is not the only thing. Whether we can stay strong as long as we wish may matter more. If this is always certain, then the rise of any planet will never affect us. In that case, we are then the actual leader.

It doesn’t matter whether anyone else is stupid or not. However, it will really hurt when we are told by the truth that how stupid we are and there is no excuse left to deny it.

I like movies, not because of how much fun a movie brings to me. It is because I can learn a different way of thinking, a different way of living, a different way of telling a story, and a different view of everything in this world. Compared to books, movies are simpler. But if it is still found to be a good story, being simpler is actually more difficult, isn’t it?

Aug

Monica — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 19:11:44 +0000

To speed up in the physical world while slowing down spiritually is what we should obey to grow up.

7/29/2011

Monica — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 01:59:25 +0000

Cowboy Alien is nice.That’s the first and the last one of all the movies in July that attracts my attention from the beginning to the end. Birth, death, love, faith,strength,pain and others build up the whole story.Something is forgotten, and something is yet to come. But only people who were reborn from all the pain will know more about the depth of life.
Maybe, this type of guys now only belong to stories but not the real world.
And something others have already been forgotten. I don’t know my recovery rate can be so high, or it just because they are so tiny things and so tiny people who don’t deserve any respect and memorizing.
To love still has my first priority of everything. I don’t know how much more I need to suffer from this world and whether there is an end or not, but I would still like to love people who are so great in my life and all the beauty the nature gives for free.
To the whole world and the history, individual life or even human beings are invisible.But life itself is still gigantic. As you meet those people who show the depth and strength of life, you will know there are so many things and people that don’t deserve any of your attention.
To love, and grow up, and then eventually see the truth of life.